09-13-2013, 03:40 AM
Hi leftover sushi (have you got an abreviation for everyone to use ls, sushi (I guess not leftover!)
Anyway i read your edit and like Billy said about the original, i can't think of much by way of specifics to offer as crit. I do like this but i can't figure out why. It does not offer me much by way of conventional poetry definitions, but i do think it works as a thought provoking sketch on life. Like Billy said it makes me ask questions of myself and life.
Just a suggestion for future use....when putting an edit up leave the original up as well so that people can see what has been changed and the direction of the edit. I Just keep adding my to the top of the page and number them.
Concerning this edit.
The extra detail on the last line of the second stanza felt like too much.
He didn't give anything to anyone for Christmas that year because he was working as a delivery driver for Dominoes at the time and the low-life customers of Dominoes don't tip the pizza guy.
I think it could be shortened down a bit without loosing the interest. For me the subject is not about the others in his life it is his sad progression and the starkness of the details is what makes it work for me.
Just my suggestion below.
He didn't give anything to anyone for Christmas that year because he was working as a delivery driver for Dominoes and people don't tip the pizza guy.
All the best AJ.
Anyway i read your edit and like Billy said about the original, i can't think of much by way of specifics to offer as crit. I do like this but i can't figure out why. It does not offer me much by way of conventional poetry definitions, but i do think it works as a thought provoking sketch on life. Like Billy said it makes me ask questions of myself and life.
Just a suggestion for future use....when putting an edit up leave the original up as well so that people can see what has been changed and the direction of the edit. I Just keep adding my to the top of the page and number them.
Concerning this edit.
The extra detail on the last line of the second stanza felt like too much.
He didn't give anything to anyone for Christmas that year because he was working as a delivery driver for Dominoes at the time and the low-life customers of Dominoes don't tip the pizza guy.
I think it could be shortened down a bit without loosing the interest. For me the subject is not about the others in his life it is his sad progression and the starkness of the details is what makes it work for me.
Just my suggestion below.
He didn't give anything to anyone for Christmas that year because he was working as a delivery driver for Dominoes and people don't tip the pizza guy.
All the best AJ.