Response To Taint(ed) Love (edit #3)

[ellajam]

hi ella

the 1st line is weakened with 'tis, and with love, a suggestion would be to make the 1st line the 3rd, the 3rd line the 1st. a gentle kiss is solid inn your face cliche. lots of words can be used to represent gentle...feathered, pensive, etc. a use of images throughout the poem would lift it up a few levels.

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when leaden feet
cannot walk another step
tis love
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection
with its thin tubular tether
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

Thanks, billy, that's an interesting switch, I'm going to try it. Point taken on gentle kiss, even though a gentle kiss on the forehead is a specific feeling like nothing else. I'll poke around and see if something else works.

Leaden feet is pretty cliche too.

I thought the images were there, but maybe that's just in my own mind. I'll see where I can lift it.