09-12-2013, 09:07 AM
hi ella
the 1st line is weakened with 'tis, and with love, a suggestion would be to make the 1st line the 3rd, the 3rd line the 1st. a gentle kiss is solid inn your face cliche. lots of words can be used to represent gentle...feathered, pensive, etc. a use of images throughout the poem would lift it up a few levels.
the 1st line is weakened with 'tis, and with love, a suggestion would be to make the 1st line the 3rd, the 3rd line the 1st. a gentle kiss is solid inn your face cliche. lots of words can be used to represent gentle...feathered, pensive, etc. a use of images throughout the poem would lift it up a few levels.
(09-11-2013, 09:22 PM)ellajam Wrote: tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when leaden feet
cannot walk another step
tis love
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection
with its thin tubular tether
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy