A Baptist Observes Mardi Gras

[ChristopherSea]

One other thing I forgot to mention:

Constructions like "cautiously closed"

There has got to be a better verb or some better action that can replace these adverb/verbs.

When I read these I always think there's a word out there that we haven't found yet.

Okay, I'll shut up now.

No, it is all good Todd and I do appreciate your second pass. It shall help me smooth out the next edit! Much obliged Todd

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Thanks Tom for the line by line critique! I am not certain that I detailed this enough to make it clear that it was about the silly antics of Mardi Gras.I got that immediately Nonetheless, many of your points are well taken and I can strive for more clarity in the next edit. Attemping to garnish it with rhyme may be beyond my patience with this piece. To address some of your queries: The facade Yes. But you inadvertantly anthropomorphise the "eve". When you use facade in the way you mean, it is to describe an emotional cover-up or deception but you attributed the facade not to the drunks but to the "eve" that these crazy drunks are pretending to celebrate the start of a holy christian holiday. Queer hasn't meant gay since the 60's, It didn't mean gay in the sixties BUT that is how it was, and is, still used...unfortunately. "strange" is still available! wake up grandpa! idle was used for senselessSince when? He knocked him idle? What you are doing is idle? I am lost and idle? I don't know where I'm going so I will just be idle? No. It won't wash, because they have no destination. Anguine because they meander about and the snake-like conotation refers the reptilian/sleazy peopleYou said the snake word earlier on so now you should cash in on it with a bon mot....er....how about....er....where did I see the word...oh yes....you just used it....MEANDER. As for the close, if they are on a mock pilgrimage and celebrating christianity, Both Mardi gras and Lent are pre-Christian and pagan in origin. You could make more of this "misconception" to raise the heat of the piece.bars are no place to pray in, hey on second thought maybe they are! I am sure these explanations don't improve the poem for you, but it may help you to throw a word substitution or two to me. I always apreciate your feedback and time my fellow poet!

It should be clearer, with a better flow and less ambiguity now in the Todd/tectak edit version 3, I think!

Got you! I have already addressed most of those problems in the new version. I can throw out the 'queer' for 'strange'. The 'eve's facade' can be replaced with the 'crowd's facade' I think. Pagan flies as well as Christian, because God would still turn his back on either (Pagans behaving normally or Christians behaving badly, ha ha...). I'll be back with some more tweeks! Thanks for staying with me, my friend -in-pen!/Chris

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No, it is all good Todd and I do appreciate your second pass. It shall help me smooth out the next edit! Much obliged Todd

---

Thanks Tom for the line by line critique! I am not certain that I detailed this enough to make it clear that it was about the silly antics of Mardi Gras.I got that immediately Nonetheless, many of your points are well taken and I can strive for more clarity in the next edit. Attemping to garnish it with rhyme may be beyond my patience with this piece. To address some of your queries: The facade Yes. But you inadvertantly anthropomorphise the "eve". When you use facade in the way you mean, it is to describe an emotional cover-up or deception but you attributed the facade not to the drunks but to the "eve" that these crazy drunks are pretending to celebrate the start of a holy christian holiday. Queer hasn't meant gay since the 60's, It didn't mean gay in the sixties BUT that is how it was, and is, still used...unfortunately. "strange" is still available! wake up grandpa! idle was used for senselessSince when? He knocked him idle? What you are doing is idle? I am lost and idle? I don't know where I'm going so I will just be idle? No. It won't wash, because they have no destination. Anguine because they meander about and the snake-like conotation refers the reptilian/sleazy peopleYou said the snake word earlier on so now you should cash in on it with a bon mot....er....how about....er....where did I see the word...oh yes....you just used it....MEANDER. As for the close, if they are on a mock pilgrimage and celebrating christianity, Both Mardi gras and Lent are pre-Christian and pagan in origin. You could make more of this "misconception" to raise the heat of the piece.bars are no place to pray in, hey on second thought maybe they are! I am sure these explanations don't improve the poem for you, but it may help you to throw a word substitution or two to me. I always apreciate your feedback and time my fellow poet!

It should be clearer, with a better flow and less ambiguity now in the Todd/tectak edit version 3, I think!

Got you! I have already addressed most of those problems in the new version. I can throw out the 'queer' for 'strange'. The 'eve's facade' can be replaced with the 'crowd's facade' I think. I replaced 'idle' with 'languid'. Pagan flies as well as Christian, because God would still turn his back on either (Pagans behaving normally or Christians behaving badly, ha ha...). I'll be back with some more tweeks in my Todd/Tectak edit version 4! Thanks for staying with me, my friend -in-pen!/Chris