A Baptist Observes Mardi Gras

[ChristopherSea]

Hi Chris,

I want to be careful with the edit on reading my own biases into this. That said, here are some comments for you:

todd edit version 2

The Gods have turned their backs--Better than Sol, and a nice word to break on. This strophe still feels too tame of an opening. We start with Carnival as the title and then you give a soft opening. I would encourage you to hit harder. Demand that the reader read it.
on this evening’s façade,--Facade in and of itself is a nice idea. The night wears a mask of sorts. It still feels too tame to me, as cautious as your sun below
as the sun cautiously
closes an aloof eye.--now we have another observer or non-observer if you will not someone/something acting. I get the we don't want to see what happens in the darkness. I just think you need to get there quicker. Or at least when you do hit the action make it intense.

Queer zombies awaken--One layer too distant here. Show us what awaken looks like. Have them rise...also queer may have different unwanted connotations now a days, just something to think about not necessarily a problem.
and harlequins alike,
conducting futile rites--show us something here. What specifically? Why are the Gods turning away. Why is the sun shielding its gaze
to immortalize this night.--again details

They dance the eve lifeless, --Might just be me but I preferred night to eve
shaking canes and rattles,
while snaking warm asphalt,
drinking spirits from bottles.--this strophe is better in that it feels more in the moment.

They reel The Big-Uneasy
within ill-defined ranks;
their bellies stuffed with pork fat
to compensate for Lent.--like these details

There’s no Yellow Brick Road,
or an Appian Way;
just an idle anguine route
to swill this eve oblivious.

Watch dim wits in beer light,
seeking neon beacons;
who sing in false temples
that no one could have faith in.

I'm not sure if I'm just being a crank (probably), but I hope not.

Best,

Todd

On the contrary, I believe it improves with each exchange and subsequent edit and I really am grateful for your input!!!/Chris