Madge - version dos

[Erthona]

JMHO,

Thanks for the comments. Some of these I have acknowledged above
The rest I'll address here.

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It makes me think her name must be
something like “Madge”. her skin makes you think here name must be Madge?

Well, actually that would refer to the complete description, not just the last line.
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I'm sorry but this is coming of as a clumsy, presumptuous, pretentious, holier than though rhetorical put-down on the working class. It's speculative and un-grounded.

Yes, people often make these sorts of assumption, but as this is mainly an examination of the speaker by way of his observations, you are free to assume that
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She has probably done a year
or two in the prison they call jail. the type of jail is not important, especially when we're only musing on unfounded speculations.
A jail without any of the
Mayberry RFD homey qualities
where the town drunk sleeps it off,
then lets himself out in the morning. unclear, clumsy. Was the jail she was in the place where the town drunk sleeps it off, or was the Mayberry jail where the town drunk sleeps it off?

Yes, this is clumsy. There is a valid point here, but I did not handle it well. I will work on that.
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She's obviously on the way to work,
wearing the ubiquitous medium-dark
brown knit knee length dress that serves
as the standard uniform
for servitors in such places
as the occupational cleaning industry
and chain cafeterias where they
monotonously repeat their zombie phrases
“hep ya”, “moe tea”, and “cum’gin”. so she has a job, what's the point? That the narrator is above their position of employment and use of ungrammatical patois?

Cultural bias frequently resorts to pointing out colloquialism as evidence of the supposed stupidity being assigned, however can they not be pointed out as the course de jour without implying stereotyping. Could it not just as well be an observation of pity rather than disdain?
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Well, I guess you find a way
when it is a matter of life and death! well, we know It's not A matter of life and death for her to smoke (even though we know it may be for her to quit), so it fails as irony, and a self-satisfactory sarcasm it's hardly worth hanging a poem on.

As noted above, for an addict, acquiring the substance is a matter of life and death, or at least it feels that way.

It seems whatever humor that was intended for the piece was lost to poetic "pose" in the form of clumsy over modifying that fails to accomplish its (perceived) goals.

Also, as a whole it seems unprovoked.--did she spit in your eggs?

Are you assuming I was the speaker?

It could perhaps be rescued by stripping it down to simple, concise, unmodified prose arranged into units (something like noun/acts upon--noun). From their, losing nothing to over modification and pose (poetic or otherwise), begin again, by carefully inserting your puns and/or punchlines.

I would like to see an example of that.
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Thanks again, I appreciate your comments, it has given some things to consider.

Dale