09-11-2013, 07:28 AM
(09-10-2013, 07:12 PM)tectak Wrote: The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day; the Term is day of rest. Awkward as hellI wonder if you might consider a rewrite? Despite its awkwardness there is something about it that is attractive. Nice try.
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil Dancers dust devils pranced and flew.
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway. everything after the semi colon is the best line in the poem. I don't like all the modification before it. Even the cadence is off.
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue. gingered up is weird, unnatural, and out of place.
Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead. what the he'll us copperin light? This is all strangely brogue-ish
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild sepia is awkward
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red. fledged and plumin is awkward
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child. good line
We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash, hiss hot is weird and awkward. Strangely, the Chevy caught me of guard and is an obvious forced american ism. Up until now I was holding out hope for a story about an irish immigrant in the American west in the mid 1800's. I think the peice would work best pre-civil war.
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate. painted all on her. Or all up on her in Arkansas. Not all painted on her.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash, suddenly and strangely "a'is added to start a word out of nowhere. I'm not sure if this its the best place to start this practice. Certainly not the most natural.
twice ah fell and twice recovered; ah ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”
A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned, He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies. from ah to ol' it's overdone and inaccurate.
Praise the Lord.
tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9
Also, I don't understand the title. Which is the American God? Sounds to me like the european one. For me the american god could be one of two things both something else entirely. The Great Spirit, or Money.
Or..ahem.. I mean..theh Ahlmighteh Dowleh