09-11-2013, 07:19 AM
(09-11-2013, 02:13 AM)Malu Wrote: SweetheartHi Malu,
She needs a Hero
To rescue her from Herself
I'm not Superman
Is it Over?
As blue turns to red I don't think you need "As".
My eyes slowly start to close I don't think you need "start to".
Surrounded by white
Grey Skies
Now up to bat, God
Nothing escapes the Clashing
Protected by Streaks
It might just be me, but I couldn't find any clear reason to why you chose to capitalize some of the words.
I think you could remove a few words in the second one. I've noted which above. You don't necessarily have to stick to 5-7-5 syllables in English haiku/senryu.
I'm not sure I see any seasonal references in these three, so I think they're senryu and not haiku. JMHO.
-LB

