09-11-2013, 05:22 AM
If you were close to ground zero, I am so sorry. I still get goose bumps and an unsettled feeling reviewing that horror and your piece brings it back effectively! Here are some observations during my read:
SURVIVOR
I stumbled along those streets,
the ones I had known all my life,
a powdered ghost 'as a' may carify reference to yourself and not the streets
deafened by silence. 'silence is deafening' is somewhat cliche, but you have reversed it (this stanza is good)
No longer safe, alive, happy, are you no longer alive?
my world was reduced to panic, fear, dread, perhaps too many modifers, lists tend to dilute the set; you need a semicolon after dread
mouth, filled with gritty burnt flesh,
eyes, unable to not see what was before them. you don't need commas after 'mouth' or 'eyes'; using 'my mouth' and 'my eyes' would personalize it more
My heart, racing to escape my chest, semicolon after chest
And my legs, unable to support, much less carry period
I dropped the bag I had, never to reclaim it, period for this comma
I lost the life I had, gone forever within a few short minutes.
No matter how hard I look,
I cannot find the me that I was before. (this stanza was much more narrative; it could use more imagery)
A uniform tried to comfort me, took me aside,
sat me on the curb, a child at a parade. love these two lines
I recall the feel of the Red Cross blanket, its weight
both comfort and burden.
Tears scaled down my face 'scaled' seems sterile
leaving trails in the kabuki death mask. great image, 'my' for 'the' would personalize it
My eyes drew skyward, looking for the next plane.
The one that would drop a bomb,
the one that would kill us all.
Unsure of how I felt when it never came;
numb agony,
raging fear, too many discriptors and they conflict
glad to be in one piece,
sick at the burnt bologna smell in the air. another strong image & sense engaged
The phone on my hip chirped -
a panicked bird in a leather cage.
On the ninth,
or ninetieth time,
I answered,
to hear that voice
of the one I loved.
I was alive. loved the ending, you may be able to reword it a bit for maximum impact, something like:
Then, there was the chirp
of a panicked bird
in a leather cage
and once I finally spoke to it
I heard that voice
of the one I loved
on my cell phone
and knew I was alive. you don't need to tell us that it was a cell phone right off!
I just realized that I may have done a serious critique on your piece rather than a mild one, but that just reflects how caught I got in your piece! See what you think.
SURVIVOR
I stumbled along those streets,
the ones I had known all my life,
a powdered ghost 'as a' may carify reference to yourself and not the streets
deafened by silence. 'silence is deafening' is somewhat cliche, but you have reversed it (this stanza is good)
No longer safe, alive, happy, are you no longer alive?
my world was reduced to panic, fear, dread, perhaps too many modifers, lists tend to dilute the set; you need a semicolon after dread
mouth, filled with gritty burnt flesh,
eyes, unable to not see what was before them. you don't need commas after 'mouth' or 'eyes'; using 'my mouth' and 'my eyes' would personalize it more
My heart, racing to escape my chest, semicolon after chest
And my legs, unable to support, much less carry period
I dropped the bag I had, never to reclaim it, period for this comma
I lost the life I had, gone forever within a few short minutes.
No matter how hard I look,
I cannot find the me that I was before. (this stanza was much more narrative; it could use more imagery)
A uniform tried to comfort me, took me aside,
sat me on the curb, a child at a parade. love these two lines
I recall the feel of the Red Cross blanket, its weight
both comfort and burden.
Tears scaled down my face 'scaled' seems sterile
leaving trails in the kabuki death mask. great image, 'my' for 'the' would personalize it
My eyes drew skyward, looking for the next plane.
The one that would drop a bomb,
the one that would kill us all.
Unsure of how I felt when it never came;
numb agony,
raging fear, too many discriptors and they conflict
glad to be in one piece,
sick at the burnt bologna smell in the air. another strong image & sense engaged
The phone on my hip chirped -
a panicked bird in a leather cage.
On the ninth,
or ninetieth time,
I answered,
to hear that voice
of the one I loved.
I was alive. loved the ending, you may be able to reword it a bit for maximum impact, something like:
Then, there was the chirp
of a panicked bird
in a leather cage
and once I finally spoke to it
I heard that voice
of the one I loved
on my cell phone
and knew I was alive. you don't need to tell us that it was a cell phone right off!
I just realized that I may have done a serious critique on your piece rather than a mild one, but that just reflects how caught I got in your piece! See what you think.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris