09-10-2013, 07:46 PM
(09-10-2013, 07:12 PM)tectak Wrote: A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.Tectak, I really enjoyed reading this. Fantastic work. I don't have the time right now to do the thorough critique that this deserves, but I'll make a few notes and return to reread this later.
Smoke gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue .
The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
while one dry mile across the prairie Devil’s Dancers pranced and flew. Hmmm, I really like these lines, but I think you could play around with the order of them. For me, the third line would be a stronger, more immediate start. So you could see how you like the order 3 4 1 2?
Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead. Not sure about 'copperin'', I'd suggest 'coppered'.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild A wonderful image - but do you need 'fledged' and 'feathered'? Perhaps a bit of a bird imagery overload.
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red. I think the second half of this line could be more imaginatively expressed; there's so much wonderful imagery in this poem, that this seems to jar a little.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.
We looked to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate. Great lines. Maybe change one of 'looked' or 'lookin' so avoid the sense of repetition.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash.
Twice ah fell and twice recovered. I ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!” I like the replacement of 'I' with 'Ah' so get a sense of accent across - but I think you need to do one or the other in this line. I'd replace the full stop with a comma, and the 'I' with 'ah'. This way the sense of running comes across a bit more.
A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose. I feel that the sense of this line would be improved if you could avoid the comma - so that the line really does bulldoze its way through. I would replace 'forward' with 'forth and'; then you can lose the comma, and 'forth' has a strong association with the language of scripture and sermon.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned , He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.
Praise the Lord
tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9
For me the metre really works - I'll have to read again to see if anything disrupts it for me. Thank you for posting this.
Eileen