09-09-2013, 08:52 PM
Things to consider:
1. The literal still needs to makes sense unless you opting for stream of consciousness/psychedelia, I get no impression that this is trying to be psychedelic. Setting white among chalk...
2. So what was this section in the original draft? Part of the editing is going through what stuff means. Now it's your job to make it real in the poem. Where would the reader leap from "white" to the space that you're talking about? You could say that it doesn't matter much, and the reader will do whatever, but that "white space" really does become central here (more on that later).
3. What do the cliffs mean? What does the wind mean? If you want to start playing around with symbols, you need start figuring if something is important. If it's important, you better know since you're the one who has to edit the piece. Of course, some things are incidental. So why the rottweiler? What is its symbolism?
4. The cliffs are white. I haven't been to Beachy Head, but I have seen the photo. You could argue that the cliff is one giant white space, so in this sense, the poem has already established the white space and you no need to use the word "white".
Actually some of the earlier lines which you pulled in the edit, point more towards the "white space":
An elegy for you, O friend:
Since the elegy really wasn't in the poem, you have to look elsewhere.
And no trace - no trace -
of life's ignoble strife.
If you want talk about the poem putting out a neon sign, these lines are. There was no trace of life's strife in the poem. Where is it? Of course, it's in the white space. By editing the lines out, you've actually made it harder for the reader to realize the white space you're talking about.
5. Still there is some need for the poem to fill in a space. I wonder if we titled this "Sylvia Plath at Beachy Head" would this change much. Of course, the white space changes, but does the poem's interaction with the white space change much?
In past circles I've been in, we might label this "namedropping". If we can't deliver, mention some heavyweight and have the heavyweight's white space (allusions and connotations) do all the work. But at the point, is the poem holding enough of ITS weight?
As for this last point, I'm not sure. Maybe the poem is, maybe it isn't, but it should be something that you are considering. My reaction of "Betrayal is a bit in the offering here for the reader, because Judas is not central to this piece" would lead to believe that the poem is close. But I'm not sure if enough of Judas is actually IN the poem.
more thoughts,
Bill
1. The literal still needs to makes sense unless you opting for stream of consciousness/psychedelia, I get no impression that this is trying to be psychedelic. Setting white among chalk...
2. So what was this section in the original draft? Part of the editing is going through what stuff means. Now it's your job to make it real in the poem. Where would the reader leap from "white" to the space that you're talking about? You could say that it doesn't matter much, and the reader will do whatever, but that "white space" really does become central here (more on that later).
3. What do the cliffs mean? What does the wind mean? If you want to start playing around with symbols, you need start figuring if something is important. If it's important, you better know since you're the one who has to edit the piece. Of course, some things are incidental. So why the rottweiler? What is its symbolism?
4. The cliffs are white. I haven't been to Beachy Head, but I have seen the photo. You could argue that the cliff is one giant white space, so in this sense, the poem has already established the white space and you no need to use the word "white".
Actually some of the earlier lines which you pulled in the edit, point more towards the "white space":
An elegy for you, O friend:
Since the elegy really wasn't in the poem, you have to look elsewhere.
And no trace - no trace -
of life's ignoble strife.
If you want talk about the poem putting out a neon sign, these lines are. There was no trace of life's strife in the poem. Where is it? Of course, it's in the white space. By editing the lines out, you've actually made it harder for the reader to realize the white space you're talking about.
5. Still there is some need for the poem to fill in a space. I wonder if we titled this "Sylvia Plath at Beachy Head" would this change much. Of course, the white space changes, but does the poem's interaction with the white space change much?
In past circles I've been in, we might label this "namedropping". If we can't deliver, mention some heavyweight and have the heavyweight's white space (allusions and connotations) do all the work. But at the point, is the poem holding enough of ITS weight?
As for this last point, I'm not sure. Maybe the poem is, maybe it isn't, but it should be something that you are considering. My reaction of "Betrayal is a bit in the offering here for the reader, because Judas is not central to this piece" would lead to believe that the poem is close. But I'm not sure if enough of Judas is actually IN the poem.
more thoughts,
Bill