Judas Iscariot at Beachy Head [edit 1]

[billy]

an excellent edit, it's hard to say which is the better but for me it's the edited version. it feels more real. the single line of no trace makes said line all the better and more final. others may not agree with me but i do think the removal of the

An elegy for you, O friend:
O one that lies

works in the poems favour

i can't see as i have any suggestions for the edit and i do think the end works well.

Thank you all for your feedback. I have incorporated some of your suggestions in the first edit - I can't say I'm entirely happy with the end, but I think it'll take a lot more thought and time to sort it out, so will keep thinking about it.

Edit 1:

The chalk was quite done exploring
each little chapel of your lungs,
clawing at your skin and drawing
a rudimentary alphabet upon your shattered cheeks.
The briny wind had given you a good sniff,
like a starved rottweiler
stalking about your ruined flesh,
growling at the splintered gorges of your skin.
The kind sea rushed to embrace you,
her lips and fingers woven through your matted hair.
Then, one big lift,
and off you drift - - -

And now you lie
full fathom five
with pearls for eyes.
And of your face -
no trace, no trace this has a kind of beauty about it.
of hunt or chase.

Your final lines
of white and red,
set in the chalk
at Beachy Head.


Version 1:

When the chalk was quite done exploring
each little chapel of your lungs,
clawing at your skin and drawing
a rudimentary alphabet against your shattered cheeks,
and the briny wind had given you a good sniff,
like a starved rottweiler
ravenous for a lump of fetid lamb
to take away the growls of sin and stomach,
the kind sea rushed to
embrace you - her lips and fingers in your matted hair -
and then, one big lift,
and off you drift - - -

An elegy for you, O friend:
O one that lies
full fathom five
with pearls for eyes - - -

And no trace - no trace -
of life's ignoble strife.
And your final lines
of white and red
set in the chalk
at Beachy Head - - -

No trace, no trace.