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Sleepless
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09-09-2013, 09:02 AM
The first line: "Do not wish to Sleep do I" confused me. I feel the line should begin with "I": "I do not wish to sleep". Why the "do I"? Is it a question the narrator asks him-/herself? I feel some some punctuation would help making things more clear. Some of the rhymes sounds forced to me, ie: "And Heavy has long been my eyes"; an awkward sounding line, because you forced the 'eyes' rhyme.
Just a few thoughts and JMHO. |
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| Messages In This Thread |
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Sleepless - by secretkeeper - 09-05-2013, 02:33 PM
RE: Sleepless - by cidermaid - 09-05-2013, 05:36 PM
RE: Sleepless - by leftover sushi - 09-07-2013, 10:47 PM
RE: Sleepless - by Malu - 09-09-2013, 07:30 AM
RE: Sleepless - by Volaticus - 09-09-2013, 09:02 AM
RE: Sleepless - by Reilley - 09-09-2013, 10:44 AM
RE: Sleepless - by shenaz - 09-09-2013, 07:17 PM
RE: Sleepless - by alatos - 09-09-2013, 09:27 PM
RE: Sleepless - by cidermaid - 09-10-2013, 04:14 PM
RE: Sleepless - by blueforest10 - 09-11-2013, 12:50 AM
RE: Sleepless - by ScurryFunger - 09-11-2013, 07:52 AM
RE: Sleepless - by Smo927 - 09-11-2013, 12:38 PM
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