09-09-2013, 07:30 AM
(09-05-2013, 02:33 PM)secretkeeper Wrote: Do not wish to Sleep do IThe rhyming is always a nice touch, along with good vocabulary such as oft. In terms of strengthening this poem, in my opinion I would say for the first part, use more detail to give the readers a more accurate image of what you are trying to have us visualize. For the second part, I would elaborate more on not leaving your bed and why exactly you aren't. The ending is nice to me, leaving a somewhat cliff hanger by saying "and wait for the world to rise" this could be interpreted in many ways and I like how you give the reader that option on a not really clear meaning, leaving it open for our own ideas and experiences to play out what would follow this story.
Though nothing very urgent cries
And Heavy has long been my eyes
This silence oft broken by sighs
I do will to walk outside... yet,
No will is summoned to take stride
Instead I sit with time to bide
And wait for the world to rise

