Sleepless
#4
(09-05-2013, 02:33 PM)secretkeeper Wrote:  Do not wish to Sleep do I
Though nothing very urgent cries
And Heavy has long been my eyes
This silence oft broken by sighs

I do will to walk outside... yet,
No will is summoned to take stride
Instead I sit with time to bide
And wait for the world to rise
The rhyming is always a nice touch, along with good vocabulary such as oft. In terms of strengthening this poem, in my opinion I would say for the first part, use more detail to give the readers a more accurate image of what you are trying to have us visualize. For the second part, I would elaborate more on not leaving your bed and why exactly you aren't. The ending is nice to me, leaving a somewhat cliff hanger by saying "and wait for the world to rise" this could be interpreted in many ways and I like how you give the reader that option on a not really clear meaning, leaving it open for our own ideas and experiences to play out what would follow this story.
Reply


Messages In This Thread
Sleepless - by secretkeeper - 09-05-2013, 02:33 PM
RE: Sleepless - by cidermaid - 09-05-2013, 05:36 PM
RE: Sleepless - by leftover sushi - 09-07-2013, 10:47 PM
RE: Sleepless - by Malu - 09-09-2013, 07:30 AM
RE: Sleepless - by Volaticus - 09-09-2013, 09:02 AM
RE: Sleepless - by Reilley - 09-09-2013, 10:44 AM
RE: Sleepless - by shenaz - 09-09-2013, 07:17 PM
RE: Sleepless - by alatos - 09-09-2013, 09:27 PM
RE: Sleepless - by cidermaid - 09-10-2013, 04:14 PM
RE: Sleepless - by blueforest10 - 09-11-2013, 12:50 AM
RE: Sleepless - by ScurryFunger - 09-11-2013, 07:52 AM
RE: Sleepless - by Smo927 - 09-11-2013, 12:38 PM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!