09-08-2013, 10:37 PM
I have dreams of you I would substitute something for 'dreams' to increase the drama of waking in the end
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette burn between your fingers.
A brand that you don't particularly like or dislike not certain of the significance of this smoking scene, indifference perhaps?
and you're smiling.
And I'm wondering why, but i can't speak.
And my skin begins to crack and shatter revealing beneath it
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
And the walls begin closing inpushing us closer and closer together. needs space and comma after 'in' and you could lose 'and closer' see what you think.
But the floor between us starts to fall away as if the only thing that line break after thing
had ever been beneath it was the void. 'void' is somewhat cliche in dark pieces
And you're still lying there smiling,
but i can hear your voice.
And i can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful... the fucking detracts for me
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress perhaps find substitutes for closer and unsheeted
and wrap my jagged bones around you. jagged again
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, cliche
but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way this beneath my feet. this line feels a bit long; maybe a break after gap; you need a comma after reach (could be another place for a line break
And I wake up.
[/quote]
Overall, it's effective.
There's a bit a repetition that may be ok with some new word choices, Little 'i's make poems look like a 'little girl's' piece to me. The ending might be more effective with something like: 'And I wake up and go to work.'
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette burn between your fingers.
A brand that you don't particularly like or dislike not certain of the significance of this smoking scene, indifference perhaps?
and you're smiling.
And I'm wondering why, but i can't speak.
And my skin begins to crack and shatter revealing beneath it
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
And the walls begin closing inpushing us closer and closer together. needs space and comma after 'in' and you could lose 'and closer' see what you think.
But the floor between us starts to fall away as if the only thing that line break after thing
had ever been beneath it was the void. 'void' is somewhat cliche in dark pieces
And you're still lying there smiling,
but i can hear your voice.
And i can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful... the fucking detracts for me
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress perhaps find substitutes for closer and unsheeted
and wrap my jagged bones around you. jagged again
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, cliche
but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way this beneath my feet. this line feels a bit long; maybe a break after gap; you need a comma after reach (could be another place for a line break
And I wake up.
[/quote]
Overall, it's effective.
There's a bit a repetition that may be ok with some new word choices, Little 'i's make poems look like a 'little girl's' piece to me. The ending might be more effective with something like: 'And I wake up and go to work.'
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris