09-08-2013, 03:20 PM
Judas Iscariot at Beachy Head
When the chalk was quite done exploring
each little chapel of your lungs,
clawing at your skin and drawing
a rudimentary alphabet against your shattered cheeks,
camera lens seems a little off, would seem the clawing would come before the exploring...even in terms of action: claw to dig in to explore
I'm not sure what alphabet is doing. This implies language here but that isn't meaningfully used in any way. Perhaps, lines...
and the briny wind had given you a good sniff,
like a starved rottweiler
ravenous for a lump of fetid lamb
to take away the growls of sin and stomach,
the simile draws a lot of attention to itself. The poem just goes ahead and personifies, but then in this one location, it uses a simile.
the kind sea rushed to
embrace you - her lips and fingers in your matted hair -
and then, one big lift,
and off you drift - - -
An elegy for you, O friend:
Is this really an elegy?
O one that lies
full fathom five
with pearls for eyes - - -
And no trace - no trace -
of life's ignoble strife.
no trace is fairly accurate to what this poem does to the life, no strife
And your final lines
if you drop the last line, maybe switch "and" to "or" here.
of white and red
where is the white coming from? Remember this is getting set in the chalk and the body has been carried away.
set in the chalk
at Beachy Head - - -
No trace, no trace.
Betrayal is a bit in the offering here for the reader, because Judas is not central to this piece. As a stylized suicide it works, but I was hoping for more.
a few thoughts,
Bill
When the chalk was quite done exploring
each little chapel of your lungs,
clawing at your skin and drawing
a rudimentary alphabet against your shattered cheeks,
camera lens seems a little off, would seem the clawing would come before the exploring...even in terms of action: claw to dig in to explore
I'm not sure what alphabet is doing. This implies language here but that isn't meaningfully used in any way. Perhaps, lines...
and the briny wind had given you a good sniff,
like a starved rottweiler
ravenous for a lump of fetid lamb
to take away the growls of sin and stomach,
the simile draws a lot of attention to itself. The poem just goes ahead and personifies, but then in this one location, it uses a simile.
the kind sea rushed to
embrace you - her lips and fingers in your matted hair -
and then, one big lift,
and off you drift - - -
An elegy for you, O friend:
Is this really an elegy?
O one that lies
full fathom five
with pearls for eyes - - -
And no trace - no trace -
of life's ignoble strife.
no trace is fairly accurate to what this poem does to the life, no strife
And your final lines
if you drop the last line, maybe switch "and" to "or" here.
of white and red
where is the white coming from? Remember this is getting set in the chalk and the body has been carried away.
set in the chalk
at Beachy Head - - -
No trace, no trace.
Betrayal is a bit in the offering here for the reader, because Judas is not central to this piece. As a stylized suicide it works, but I was hoping for more.
a few thoughts,
Bill