(Warning: offensive language.) A Dream I Never Had But Remembered Upon Wakening

[billy]

we're fine with a few expletives, but thanks for the consideration :J:

the fist thing i see is that the opening line is weak as a first line yet lines 2 and 3 are a lot stronger. a suggestion would be to simply remove the 1st line...this in turn make the title work a lot better. keep an eye on your spelling.

there's a lot to like about the poem but for me it's too wordy, strip out all the filler words and redundancies. lots of and's and buts, remove as many of them as you can, it will make your poem stronger and more interesting for the reader.
thanks for the read.

I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress, travelling
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette burn between your fingers.
A brand that you don't particularly like or dislike
and you're smiling.
And I'm wondering why, but i can't speak.
And my skin begins to crack and shatter revealing beneath it [beneath it] is redundant and not really needed
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
And the walls begin closing inpushing us closer and closer together. [in, pushing] this line feels wordy, a suggestion would be [And the walls close in, pushing us closer and closer.
But the floor between us starts to fall away as if the only thing that had ever been beneath it was the void.
And you're still lying there smiling,
but i can hear your voice.
And i can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful...
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
and wrap my jagged bones around you. this is a great image but jagged isn't a common word and this is the 2nd time you use it.
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way beneath my feet.
And I wake up.