09-08-2013, 10:09 AM
Center align has a bad rep among more serious writers. Whether this reputation is justified is a separate issue. You can keep the center align, but be aware some peeps have already tuned out right from the start.
"At this stage of History, either one of two things is possible: either the general population
will take control of its own destiny and will concern itself with community-interests,
guided by values of solidarity and sympathy and concern for others;
or, alternatively, there will be no destiny for anyone to control. "
- Noam Chomsky
You have the epigraph from Chomsky. I think this sets the stage well.
Two basic patterns is to go from the specific (the image) to the general (the abstract) or vice-versa. Of course, there is a lot of in between.
This is a piece you have to be careful with. There are a number of people who will like this just because the agree with the theme of the poem.
Into the throes of competitive domination we are thrust
After the abstraction of the epigraph, I really do think you should thrust the reader into something concrete. Also first person is usually a better point of view for a rant.
Thrust into the supermarket aisles, I stare at ten boxes of Corn Flakes.
I'm not suggesting this is a great opening, but start with an image, which can illuminate and ground the reader.
Inhumane forces directing human relations without and within
Which inhuman forces? You have to show me.
Putting deep desires on hold in order to survive
Which deep desires?
Barely alive as we continue to thrive, excessively it seems sometimes
barely alive and thrive...a clash is good if the poem explores it, but this doesn't explore it
Renting our lives out in exchange for existence
This is an insightful point, but the poem has just said it. It hasn't shown it.
Perhaps...
Working two jobs sixteen hours a day to pay for the roof
over the head that eats one meal at home. Count those hours of sleep:
one, two, three, four, five, and then wake--it's another day of jobs,
Insistence on deceiving ourselves into a comfortable prison
but at least, the weekend brings a can of beer and football on TV.
Quantifying life with monetized wood pulp product
I said elsewhere, this is a really good line, but you can drop the monetized
An abstract construct directing the potential of you and I
Into spiritual strife;
okay to go off into the abstract from time to time
so too the poorest and richest
When culture is commoditized to fill profitable niches
but now you have to bring this back to the lives we live
Manufactured grief, like a cancer, has spread
What grief?
Into usurped lands stained indigenous red
the cancer bit is a nice simile, but carry the metaphor. Cancer doesn't stain red, it out-competes normal cells and uses the body's resources till normal function stops.
We are aliens on this planet yet it is our only home
In what ways?
We do not live in the environment,
But on a labyrinth of concrete, synthetic stone
this line and the next are better in terms offering some tangible to the reader
Linear grids perfect for policing a numbed mass for there is no place left to roam
I actually like the linear grids; it's those crazy curvy roads that lead to nowhere which drive me nuts. But the point about straight edges could be well-taken. Nature doesn't do many straight edges; compare canals to rivers.
Our relation to the state is based on violence based on force
Hidden by corporate myths and advertised lore
Geez, you have a wealth of things you could showcase here, but you don't. Give me a few myths and advertised lore.
Humanity is being filtered
The "good" separated from the "bad"
Dissent within work or education is not to be had
Spectatorship is the new favorite pastime of the nation
Dance with the Stars...peeps even watch other peeps play video games
For when we are watching instead of participating
Those with power have free reign to dilute mass perception
If God gave us this planet why don't we accept
The duty of protecting it from those visibly inept
A god doesn't have to be real
It can be a metaphor for attaining the ideal
A zeal or passion or insistence
Of harmonious existence among human beings
This may be okay, but you have to earn this with some good images before and after.
That does not mean nobody should die
It means only acceptance of the essence of life
Which we consistently avoid with malignant annoyance
malignant...good opportunity to bring back the cancer, but the poem doesn't
Trading true freedom for "security" and convenience
so what is true freedom?
We did not mean to take this path but were led astray
And must redeem ourselves if we wish to remain
I really feel this is calling for ending on an image or perhaps a literary allusion.
Here we go round the prickly pear and end.
...
Reading "Hollow Men" by T.S. Eliot and some Robinson Jeffries would be good illustrations of using images to spotlight the decay of modern society.
a few thoughts,
Bill
"At this stage of History, either one of two things is possible: either the general population
will take control of its own destiny and will concern itself with community-interests,
guided by values of solidarity and sympathy and concern for others;
or, alternatively, there will be no destiny for anyone to control. "
- Noam Chomsky
You have the epigraph from Chomsky. I think this sets the stage well.
Two basic patterns is to go from the specific (the image) to the general (the abstract) or vice-versa. Of course, there is a lot of in between.
This is a piece you have to be careful with. There are a number of people who will like this just because the agree with the theme of the poem.
Into the throes of competitive domination we are thrust
After the abstraction of the epigraph, I really do think you should thrust the reader into something concrete. Also first person is usually a better point of view for a rant.
Thrust into the supermarket aisles, I stare at ten boxes of Corn Flakes.
I'm not suggesting this is a great opening, but start with an image, which can illuminate and ground the reader.
Inhumane forces directing human relations without and within
Which inhuman forces? You have to show me.
Putting deep desires on hold in order to survive
Which deep desires?
Barely alive as we continue to thrive, excessively it seems sometimes
barely alive and thrive...a clash is good if the poem explores it, but this doesn't explore it
Renting our lives out in exchange for existence
This is an insightful point, but the poem has just said it. It hasn't shown it.
Perhaps...
Working two jobs sixteen hours a day to pay for the roof
over the head that eats one meal at home. Count those hours of sleep:
one, two, three, four, five, and then wake--it's another day of jobs,
Insistence on deceiving ourselves into a comfortable prison
but at least, the weekend brings a can of beer and football on TV.
Quantifying life with monetized wood pulp product
I said elsewhere, this is a really good line, but you can drop the monetized
An abstract construct directing the potential of you and I
Into spiritual strife;
okay to go off into the abstract from time to time
so too the poorest and richest
When culture is commoditized to fill profitable niches
but now you have to bring this back to the lives we live
Manufactured grief, like a cancer, has spread
What grief?
Into usurped lands stained indigenous red
the cancer bit is a nice simile, but carry the metaphor. Cancer doesn't stain red, it out-competes normal cells and uses the body's resources till normal function stops.
We are aliens on this planet yet it is our only home
In what ways?
We do not live in the environment,
But on a labyrinth of concrete, synthetic stone
this line and the next are better in terms offering some tangible to the reader
Linear grids perfect for policing a numbed mass for there is no place left to roam
I actually like the linear grids; it's those crazy curvy roads that lead to nowhere which drive me nuts. But the point about straight edges could be well-taken. Nature doesn't do many straight edges; compare canals to rivers.
Our relation to the state is based on violence based on force
Hidden by corporate myths and advertised lore
Geez, you have a wealth of things you could showcase here, but you don't. Give me a few myths and advertised lore.
Humanity is being filtered
The "good" separated from the "bad"
Dissent within work or education is not to be had
Spectatorship is the new favorite pastime of the nation
Dance with the Stars...peeps even watch other peeps play video games
For when we are watching instead of participating
Those with power have free reign to dilute mass perception
If God gave us this planet why don't we accept
The duty of protecting it from those visibly inept
A god doesn't have to be real
It can be a metaphor for attaining the ideal
A zeal or passion or insistence
Of harmonious existence among human beings
This may be okay, but you have to earn this with some good images before and after.
That does not mean nobody should die
It means only acceptance of the essence of life
Which we consistently avoid with malignant annoyance
malignant...good opportunity to bring back the cancer, but the poem doesn't
Trading true freedom for "security" and convenience
so what is true freedom?
We did not mean to take this path but were led astray
And must redeem ourselves if we wish to remain
I really feel this is calling for ending on an image or perhaps a literary allusion.
Here we go round the prickly pear and end.
...
Reading "Hollow Men" by T.S. Eliot and some Robinson Jeffries would be good illustrations of using images to spotlight the decay of modern society.
a few thoughts,
Bill