Madge - version dos

[billy]

just a few nits of little importance but there was one line i struggled with. some good images. for me it's a little wordy in places but i think that's more my problem than the poems. (a matter of taste)
what i liked about it aside from the images, was the breakdonw/profiling of the woman. it was like the narrator knew of many madges. not that ted bundy comes to mind, but it also had a half decent dark side to it.

great to see you posting some more poetry :J:

Hot! Oil seeps out of the asphalt road;
cars make a sticky noise as they pass by,
sounding like fat people sex on a hot night.
At the bus stop is a woman with
overly-processed straw blond hair,
lipsticked lips like a freshly cut neon fig, a suggestion is [like freshly cut neon figs]
and deep crevices in pasty skin.
It makes me think her name must be would it read better if [her name must be] was moved to the next line?
something like “Madge”.

She has probably done a year
or two in the prison they call jail.
A jail without any of the
Mayberry RFD homey qualities i like this line simply because it made me smile
where the town drunk sleeps it off,
then lets himself out in the morning.

She's obviously on the way to work,
wearing the ubiquitous medium-dark
brown knit knee length dress that serves
as the standard uniform
for servitors in such places
as the occupational cleaning industry
and chain cafeterias where they
monotonously repeat their zombie phrases
“hep ya”, “moe tea”, and “cum’gin”.

Through the visual heat distortion isn't it a given that you see it?
swirling up from earth as convection oven this is a problem line for me. a suggestion would be [swirling up from convection oven earth]
I can see her smoking a cigarette,
and I wonder how someone like her
can afford to smoke, when a pack cost
the equivalent two hours of work.
Well, I guess you find a way
when it is a matter of life and death!

©2013 -Erthona