09-07-2013, 06:53 AM
Delicate wispy fingers gently interlaced
his tired bony knuckles.
and a soft palm gently caressed
the most tender part of his sore neck.
"usted es la mujer más bella del mundo."
he said to her. she taught him that.
how to say it.
[I'm not a native Spanish speaker but I usually speak it very well. Unless someone more qualified wants to comment on it, "usted" is usually reserved for formalities - speaking to someone in an interview, a high-level politician, etc. I think if two people were in love, caressing each other, you'd use the form "Tu eres" as opposed to "usted es."]
and then the bell tolled,
and the our of fate was upon them.
[*hour of fate. But I find these lines to be generic...heard them before, know what I mean?]
she was a tower of skin and bone [COOL LINE especialy after the bell tolls - reminds me of a bell tower!]
with smooth firm flesh
and eyes the sort of green that brands your soul... [I'd get rid of "the sort of" Rule #1 of creative writing is "show - don't tell"]
they leave a mark that never fades.
her hair was a dark and lovely storm [love this line]
that fell so easily over her shoulders. ["so easily" should be replaced by something - you can try saying "flowed over" to get the same feel as "fell so easily" and maybe hint at rain to go with her hair as "a lovely storm" but I think again here you're telling, not showing. Try to show, not tell!]
and she had eyes the sort of green that brands your soul...[again, "sort of" should be replaced]
but he didnt love her. [o0o0o nice transition here...jarring!]
no.
not until it was too late. [I'd combine this and the above line "No, not until..."]
he broke her heart a dozen times
before she ever even touched his.
and once he allowed himself to feel her there
she burst forth from him with vengeance.
but even now his mistakes are not regrets.
even if she hates him.
He was a tower of skin and bone
with pale, scarred flesh,
and he had eyes the sort of green that fades from memory. [again, "sort of" - I'd ditch it and try something else]
his hair was a dark and lifeless form
that dangled meagerly across his face.
and he had eyes the sort of green that fades from memory. ["sort of" again]
but she loved him.
yes.
every single day. [again, combine "yes, every single day"]
until the day before
he loved her back.
she offered up her heart to him [generic line]
a dozen times with no avail [I think it's "To no avail" could be wrong but I'd still change this - too generic]
before she turned her back on him.
but even now...
her mistakes may be regrets.
because he may still love her.
and the delicate wispy fingers that interlaced so gently between his tired bony knuckles are gone now.
and the hour of fate is upon him.
Some overall notes:
- I think you use too many adverbs. You should try to use adjectives that capture what you want to say without using an adverb to describe them. Use adverbs sparingly (I know this line is an oxymoron but bear with me =P)
- Make your punctuation and capitalization consistent throughout the poem
- I don't like how you dropped one line of Spanish and never use it again. I think you can use that to your advantage - you can contrast the soft vowels and flow of the Spanish (to represent the female) and the hard, consonant-driven English (to represent the male)
his tired bony knuckles.
and a soft palm gently caressed
the most tender part of his sore neck.
"usted es la mujer más bella del mundo."
he said to her. she taught him that.
how to say it.
[I'm not a native Spanish speaker but I usually speak it very well. Unless someone more qualified wants to comment on it, "usted" is usually reserved for formalities - speaking to someone in an interview, a high-level politician, etc. I think if two people were in love, caressing each other, you'd use the form "Tu eres" as opposed to "usted es."]
and then the bell tolled,
and the our of fate was upon them.
[*hour of fate. But I find these lines to be generic...heard them before, know what I mean?]
she was a tower of skin and bone [COOL LINE especialy after the bell tolls - reminds me of a bell tower!]
with smooth firm flesh
and eyes the sort of green that brands your soul... [I'd get rid of "the sort of" Rule #1 of creative writing is "show - don't tell"]
they leave a mark that never fades.
her hair was a dark and lovely storm [love this line]
that fell so easily over her shoulders. ["so easily" should be replaced by something - you can try saying "flowed over" to get the same feel as "fell so easily" and maybe hint at rain to go with her hair as "a lovely storm" but I think again here you're telling, not showing. Try to show, not tell!]
and she had eyes the sort of green that brands your soul...[again, "sort of" should be replaced]
but he didnt love her. [o0o0o nice transition here...jarring!]
no.
not until it was too late. [I'd combine this and the above line "No, not until..."]
he broke her heart a dozen times
before she ever even touched his.
and once he allowed himself to feel her there
she burst forth from him with vengeance.
but even now his mistakes are not regrets.
even if she hates him.
He was a tower of skin and bone
with pale, scarred flesh,
and he had eyes the sort of green that fades from memory. [again, "sort of" - I'd ditch it and try something else]
his hair was a dark and lifeless form
that dangled meagerly across his face.
and he had eyes the sort of green that fades from memory. ["sort of" again]
but she loved him.
yes.
every single day. [again, combine "yes, every single day"]
until the day before
he loved her back.
she offered up her heart to him [generic line]
a dozen times with no avail [I think it's "To no avail" could be wrong but I'd still change this - too generic]
before she turned her back on him.
but even now...
her mistakes may be regrets.
because he may still love her.
and the delicate wispy fingers that interlaced so gently between his tired bony knuckles are gone now.
and the hour of fate is upon him.
Some overall notes:
- I think you use too many adverbs. You should try to use adjectives that capture what you want to say without using an adverb to describe them. Use adverbs sparingly (I know this line is an oxymoron but bear with me =P)
- Make your punctuation and capitalization consistent throughout the poem
- I don't like how you dropped one line of Spanish and never use it again. I think you can use that to your advantage - you can contrast the soft vowels and flow of the Spanish (to represent the female) and the hard, consonant-driven English (to represent the male)
-betalife