09-07-2013, 12:33 AM
Hi Fim;
those scavengers oftentimes do perform a literary service. As a writer I appreciate critiques. Even those that seem somewhat unqualified can have some merits in as far as they might cause me to pause and rethink some of my lines. As far as your poem's message is concerned, I think it is clever, and since someone else before me stole my thunder, I can only suggest that you make greater use of commas, even though contemporary writers seem to have abandoned them. A properly placed comma clarifies an obscure line. Thanks for posting your interesting poem. J.
'138474' dateline='1378462944']
Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.
Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13
They glide around right below the surface
circling just beneath where poems submerge
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word.
Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.
Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths.
But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathed
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.
Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.
Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splash
pass through the water stained red with poem-blood
without suffering even a single gash.
“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”
“Choose words that describe your poems ideas
so its meaning is readily evident,
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”
Legend holds some poems submerged for critique
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack.
[/quote]
those scavengers oftentimes do perform a literary service. As a writer I appreciate critiques. Even those that seem somewhat unqualified can have some merits in as far as they might cause me to pause and rethink some of my lines. As far as your poem's message is concerned, I think it is clever, and since someone else before me stole my thunder, I can only suggest that you make greater use of commas, even though contemporary writers seem to have abandoned them. A properly placed comma clarifies an obscure line. Thanks for posting your interesting poem. J.
'138474' dateline='1378462944']
Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.
Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13
They glide around right below the surface
circling just beneath where poems submerge
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word.
Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.
Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths.
But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathed
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.
Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.
Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splash
pass through the water stained red with poem-blood
without suffering even a single gash.
“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”
“Choose words that describe your poems ideas
so its meaning is readily evident,
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”
Legend holds some poems submerged for critique
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack.
[/quote]