Twisted into Regret

[Expendable Youth.]

Still tinkering around with what I think could work, I let the topic co e to me this time. I'd appreciate some critique

Hi exp,
You admit you are tinkering with this and it shows. The whole thing is hopelessly disjointed. There is no cohesion in the piece.
Here is what to do. Read it out loud to a stranger. If you are embarrased by what you are narrating, it is in need of work.
I would blush by L2 and be in danger of the red-faced dry-up by L7.
A good start would to be cutting out every instance of a line which contains a noun, adjective or verb you have previously used. This is an exercise.
Go away and when you have finished tinkering repost it.
Best,
tectak


Twisted into Regret (You'll Never be Forgotten)

Where did you even come from? even is a generically vernacular Americanism. Leave it in the Bronx
You've opened your secrets
and trusted me with your pain.
It's written in your stare
you've seen the same in mine. repeated you've. Omit this line
Glistening Emerald,
illuminating my soul
and bringing forth my burden.
It's of a luscious Garden Green omit. it's
to compliment the shining black
etched into your lips..
Warming your eyes
and casting a perceived cool
emphasised by the tainted black omit. black
smoothed to appropriate your lips omit.lips
and warped your smile
into indifference.
I've told you
all I've bared to burden
and loved you all the same.
You've elevated meomit. you've
given meaning to me.
Drank with me. omit.me
And we drink until we kiss
or until darkness and doubt confuses us both
better than our lips ever could.omif.lips
For too long we've done this..
this detached game of chess.
Our hearts the board
Our bodies the pieces.
And we've yet to trade a piece. omit.piece
You've been the passion omit.you've
that's kept me strong.
And the regret
that's done me wrong. omit.that's
Detached or not, omit.detached
this cannot go on forever.
You're the only regret I'll never forget.omit.regret
May love guide you home
be it with me, or without.
I never expected you to love me omit.love
you just left it too late.

Good shit to work with, cheers.