09-06-2013, 03:31 PM
I think everything might be here, it just needs sharpening...
I'm not so sure about the action at the end; I can't entirely make sense of the last 4 lines.
Here's a take of some sections (it's just my sight, I really do expect you to see it your way):
I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette, a brand that you don't particularly like or dislike,
burn between your fingers.
You smile
and I wonder, but I cannot speak
as my skin begins to crack, shatter, reveal
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
...
You smile
and I can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful, a calm within the storm.
Closer and closer and all I want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
...
I do think you have some fertile ground here. Just focus.
a few thoughts,
Bill
I'm not so sure about the action at the end; I can't entirely make sense of the last 4 lines.
Here's a take of some sections (it's just my sight, I really do expect you to see it your way):
I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette, a brand that you don't particularly like or dislike,
burn between your fingers.
You smile
and I wonder, but I cannot speak
as my skin begins to crack, shatter, reveal
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
...
You smile
and I can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful, a calm within the storm.
Closer and closer and all I want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
...
I do think you have some fertile ground here. Just focus.
a few thoughts,
Bill