Judas Iscariot at Beachy Head [edit 1]

[billy]

hi eileen.

great read most of my feedback are niggly stuff. the poem is image rich,
the story succinct the first two lines were a delight. it was very hard for me to give feedback other than WOW, i think its a piece deserving of publication, unlike some that have been.
i didn't think the 2nd stanza did a good enough job simply because it felt out of character with the rest of the poem, (i was reminded of Whitman's "O captain my captain") but a great read nonetheless.
ps...
i have no idea if the - - - work or not for other's, but for me they didn't.
thanks for the read.

Judas Iscariot at Beachy Head

When the chalk was quite done exploring
each little chapel of your lungs, a great opening , fantastic image
clawing at your skin and drawing
a rudimentary alphabet against your shattered cheeks,
and the briny wind had given you a good sniff,
like a starved rottweiler this part of the simile is used to perfection
ravenous for a lump of fetid lamb this part makes it feel overdone.b]
to take away the growls of sin and stomach,
the kind sea rushed to
embrace you - her lips and fingers in your matted hair -
and then, one big lift,[b] is and needed?
and off you drift - - -

An elegy for you, O friend:
O one that lies
full fathom five
with pearls for eyes - - -

And no trace - no trace -
of life's ignoble strife.
And your final lines
of white and red
set in the chalk
at Beachy Head - - -

No trace, no trace. this line doesn't work for me, mainly because at beachy head is such a solid closure