The Drinker's Life Alone (="Alcohol" Rewrite)

[Spikerider]

2nd revision
"The Drinker's Life Alone"
(dedicated to my son; a marine vet who lost all
when he tried drowning the memories of war)

Alcohol is life's all encompassing elixir
to soothe the nerves & relax tension.
Delectably Diluting pains of memories sour.
Briefly obscuring persistent Problems .
Cheered celebrations of success.
Providing numerous seemingly faithful friends
to assist in the indulgence of continuing cocktails.
One drink after another without an end in site.
Imperceptibly pouring away consciousness.
Unaware of the inner destruction developing.
Independence lost from it's addicting allure.
Draining dry your soul with each sweet sip.
Comfortably closer to demise with every refill.
Free will a distant memory when the bottle calls.
Control is now a derailed determination.
Persistent drinking now clouds your mind.
Libations have taken authority over your body.
Spirits ingested have twisted around your spirit.
It has rendered complete & utter dependence
upon it's pleasant & incessant intoxication.
The thought of a life dry Disappeared.

Consider the glass in your hand.
The brew within blurs the lines of determination.
Are you holding it or is it holding you?
Is it in control or are you in control?
Where does it stop & where do you begin?
Under the influence of this indiscernible intoxicant
Liquid Pleasure & lasting pain is in that cup.
Under the influence of this indiscernible intoxicant.
You alone can bring an end this crazy cycle.

Who you are Drowning into a liquid abyss.
Inebriation has become your only reliable friend.
Deceptively it is now your constant companion.
Always there to comfort & fill you with satisfaction.

Lost is all real perspective on life once full.
A sea of booze washed away all you loved.
You drowned your troubles unaware of
all that was carried under with them.
Try hard to empty your hand.
Stop filling you glass & fill your heart
with the pure joy of life lived full.
There is still hope.
There is still time.
Life without the drink is within reach.
Drop the glass before it is to late.
Reach out to embrace life & love it once again.
Get drunk on the joy of living life to it's fullest once again.
Deb B.
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Very much better but strangely list-like. The opening comment will not influence the work...and I doubt that you would want it to. Again, I am left wondering if this is genre-genuine or just genuine. The difficulty in writing a genuine piece of hearse-verse is burgeoning wordiness. There is just too much said too often in not too different ways. Try to eliminate waste... not to put too fine a point on it.
In this forum a line by line may not be seen as helpful, and as there are so many lines I am not going to try.
The punctuation is restrictive and you have tried to gain form by bondage. Loosen up a little and select the most salient points per stanza, then write your best words around that cameo.
What you have shown here is an ability to think. Now you need to turn the thoughts in to clear words...less means more.
Well done. Try to shorten the piece.
Best,
tectak