09-06-2013, 07:43 AM
Eileen,
I have no beef with your content, structure, et al., however the one long sentence in the first stanza reminds me of when I was studying Kant's "Critique of Pure Reason", which is to say it wears me out and makes my brain hurt--just a little bit.
Also, the "No trace, no trace." at the end seems a touch melodramatic as well as redundant. Possibly drop the "And" in the first one and go simply with No trace, no trace, and then eliminate the repetition. Also drop the "And" two lines down, dropping both actually improves the meter of the last stanza.
Anything else I might point out has been so pointed. Yet, despite all the pointing, this is an enjoyable and fun read, with just a slight chalky aftertaste
Dale
I have no beef with your content, structure, et al., however the one long sentence in the first stanza reminds me of when I was studying Kant's "Critique of Pure Reason", which is to say it wears me out and makes my brain hurt--just a little bit.
Also, the "No trace, no trace." at the end seems a touch melodramatic as well as redundant. Possibly drop the "And" in the first one and go simply with No trace, no trace, and then eliminate the repetition. Also drop the "And" two lines down, dropping both actually improves the meter of the last stanza.
Anything else I might point out has been so pointed. Yet, despite all the pointing, this is an enjoyable and fun read, with just a slight chalky aftertaste
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.