The Drinker's Life Alone (="Alcohol" Rewrite)

[tectak]

"The Drinker's Life Alone"
(dedicated to my son; a marine vet who lost all
when he tried drowning the memories of war)

Alcohol is life's elixir.
Frayed nerves are soothed.
Tensions relaxed away.
Bad memories diluted.
Problems made invisible.
Successes are cheered.
Unaware of the inner demolition
that is constantly taking away
all independence from it's pure Allure.
Free will becomes a distant memory when you see that bottle.
bControl is now just empty & failing determination.
Every sip, every drink getting you closer to the end.
The drink keeps soaking into your soul & mind.
The spirits soon becomed entwined & tangled
with the fabric of your soul.
It has rendered complete & utter dependence
upon it's pleasant, lasting intoxication.
The thought of life dry does not exist anymore.

Look upon the glass in your hand.
Are you holding it or is it holding you?
Is it in control or are you in control?
The brew within blurs the lines of determination.
Where does it stop & where do you begin?
Liquid Pleasure & lasting pain is what is held tightly in your hand.
Unending is this Nightmare Cycle.
How & when will it end?
Slipping deeper into the drink held so close.
Who you are Drowning into a liquid abyss.
Intoxication has become your only friend.
Deceptively it is now your constant companion.
Always there to comfort & fill you with satisfaction.

Lost is all real perspective on life once full.
A sea of booze has washed away all you held dear.
You drowned your troubles unaware of
all that was carried under with them.
Try hard to empty your hand.
Stop filling you glass & fill your heart
with the pure joy of life lived full.
There is still hope.
There is still time.
Life without the drink is within reach.
Drop the glass before it is to late.
Reach out to embrace life & love it once again.
Get drunk on the joy of living life to it's fullest once again.
Deb B.
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Very much better but strangely list-like. The opening comment will not influence the work...and I doubt that you would want it to. Again, I am left wondering if this is genre-genuine or just genuine. The difficulty in writing a genuine piece of hearse-verse is burgeoning wordiness. There is just too much said too often in not too different ways. Try to eliminate waste... not to put too fine a point on it.
In this forum a line by line may not be seen as helpful, and as there are so many lines I am not going to try.
The punctuation is restrictive and you have tried to gain form by bondage. Loosen up a little and select the most salient points per stanza, then write your best words around that cameo.
What you have shown here is an ability to think. Now you need to turn the thoughts in to clear words...less means more.
Well done. Try to shorten the piece.
Best,
tectak