The Drinker's Life Alone (="Alcohol" Rewrite)

[tectak]

Hello spikerider,
Good to see you up for wokshopping. You leave a deal to go at but I fear you will become defensive when I begin by saying that punctuation is NEEDED when it is required, and can be dispensed with when it is not. This piece NEEDS it.
You are hanging on to a very outdated and pointless characteristic of what poetry was considered by some to require....capitalising of every line. It was always a nonsense and it still is; especially when the reader is left clueless by the effects of your punctuation pogrom.So...

Alcohol

It takes on a magical ability"it" is a weak word, especially for an opener when you are undeclared in intention. The "it" word is a one-club bid...it tells me nothing of what you have in your hand. Restructure the line
To seemingly fix & apply...again..."seemingly" is often misused. You say "seemingly" to imply "not actually" but then rest a case on the validity. Ampersands are lazy. Equally has two ells.
To all needs equaly
A pick-me-up when you're low
A relaxer when you're stressedThis is what you wrote:
"It takes on a magical ability to seemingly fix & apply to all needs equaly a pick-me-up when you're low a relaxer when you're stressed" Read it out loud then PUNCTUATE to clarity. If you do not it will seem that you can not.

While all the whileIn this stanza you have forgotten that you are talking about alcohol...in fact, it is still an "it". While/while is not good. one and one's worse.
Chipping away one's
Health & well-being
Without one even knowing

Emptying your independence from it
Alcohol worked its way into my heart
Into my very soul & spirit intoxicated
Continually tangling into my very being
This is the stanza above as written:
Emptying your independence from it alcohol worked its way into my heart into my very soul & spirit intoxicated continually tangling into my very being"....Huh? The stanza reads like complete gobbledygook and this is your fault. You KNOW wht you want to say, so SAY it out loud then make english of your words.



Deeper & deeper
Tightening it's grip
Until there was no difference
Between Me & the DrinkRandom capitalisation seems like laziness. Read the forum rules. You should post work free from basic errors. It is better that you do the ground work than have some poxy pedant like me tell you you are lazy

Was i Holding It?...see what I mean? Why big ME and tiny I? There is a complex here
Or was It Holding Me?
Where does It Stop?
& Where do I Begin?Cliches are now creeping in because you are tired of writing this piece. It shows. You are now saying nothing new in a hackneyed way. Stop now and reconsider. Every word MUST COUNT.

Liquid Pleasure
Lasting Pain
Again & Again
Taking Me Up
Dropping Me Down
Again & Again
Over & Over
Day After Day
Night After NightCliches for sale...cliches for sale....roll up..roll up...get your worn out cliches here....get one, get two free...roll up...roll up. Sorry. This stanza is totally without merit. If you are a recovering alcoholic, and I am not saying you are, then good luck with that...but if you are a recovering alcoholic who aspires to be a poet, you will need more than luck. You will need application.
To make this work you MUST use imagery and freshness. Make the reader FEEL your angst rather than just describing how you IMAGINE (?) the character would state his/her problem. To be frank, the discipline of punctuation would make you seriously consider the depth (or shallowness) of this effort...because you would need to consider emotional stops, pauses, nuances. Try it...then repost.
Finally, if you CAN write about something else do so. Not because I have any sympathy for alcoholics but because I need to know you are not a one horse wonder called Whisky Mack. I cannot go on with this crit as ennui has overcome me...and that is your fault, too
Where Does it End?
How Will It End?
Who's in control?
The Drink or Me?

Give & Take
Yin & Yang
An UnEnding Cycle
A circle Spinning
Spinning Down
Farther & Farther
Caught in a Vortex
Of Pleasure & Pain

The Drink Is Me
I Am the Drink
I've Lost myself
In the Drink

Drinking, Drounding Me

Where have I Gone?
Why Did I Go There?
How Will i Get Back?
Where am I Now?

It Became Who I am

Who Am I Without It?
Who Was I Before It?
Where Did I Go?
Can I Get Me Back?

Back from the drink
Alcohol is Who I Am Now

But Why Why Why
Has It Overtaken Poor Me?

But Where Where Where
Did I Lose Control?

Or Did I Ever Have Control?
It was a Big Deception

I've Lost My Real Personality
The Very Personality
That Was'nt Enough
To Present to the World Sober
My Personality Is the Drink
To Drink to Be Friendly
To Be Liked Because I Drink
But I'm Losing
Losing All that I Have

I've Lost All Real Perspective
The Perspective of True Life
Of Living One's Life to it's Fullest
Without the Drink's Support

Where Where Where

Did My Perspective Go?
On Living Life & Loving Life?
Where Did the Pure Joy Go?
The Joy of Life?
The Joy of Living?
Fun?....What Fun?

How How How
Will I Ever Even Be Able to
Without the Drink

Be Drunk On Life?

Last comment. Pretty dire. I would scrap it completely and start again with a nice cup of Horlicks and a warm fire. If you want this reposting in the Mild forum I would not think less of you. Just say.( Ooops! Milo beat me to it)
Best,
tectak.
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