09-06-2013, 12:10 AM
Tom,
I cannot speak to the content per se (that is as it relates to milo), but I think I can comment upon the readability.
I have an inkling why you may have used "suns" and "moons", however, I think the disruption to the reading overrides any justification you might use to support their usage. I think there is enough ancillary phrases to accomplish your purpose, and if there is not then the point is moot. It seems to me if you are going to use the plural with sun and moon, then grass should also be plural in the following.
"I tasted you and sucked pink clover, chewed the sweet white stems
of summer grass."
I do like this image:
"Memories hold no umbrellas but shaded
under blackened branch"
It succinctly exemplifies, both how we perceive things when young, and also how we manipulate our memory for the desired outcome. Unfortunately some of your other images are not so artfully penned, and often border on the cliche. e.g. "on hot and beaded brow." At other times you include superfluous information, "saltless drops of rain". Do we need to be told that rain is saltless? In my reading of this all "saltless" did was cause me to search for connection to things that are salty, and no purpose was served. To try and define something by that which it is not, generally only confuses the image. If you were trying to play one condition off against another, there are better ways to accomplish this. Ways with which I know you are familiar, as I have seen you use them in other pieces successfully.
Towards the end this takes on a Prufrockian tone: "Each morning we eat oatmeal and peaches, drink orange juice
and coffee from white cups."
One begins to anticipate a conclusion regarding man's alienation from man, yet we are given only watered gruel and weak coffee:
"We never talk the way we used to do;
but I look lovingly on you and see things that I never saw before."
There are decent pieces in this pie, but it seems as though you lingered over it too long and the Muse deserted you, leaving you with the only options of taking refuge of drawing material from a Barbara Streisand movie or a Hallmark card.
With love,
Dale
I cannot speak to the content per se (that is as it relates to milo), but I think I can comment upon the readability.
I have an inkling why you may have used "suns" and "moons", however, I think the disruption to the reading overrides any justification you might use to support their usage. I think there is enough ancillary phrases to accomplish your purpose, and if there is not then the point is moot. It seems to me if you are going to use the plural with sun and moon, then grass should also be plural in the following.
"I tasted you and sucked pink clover, chewed the sweet white stems
of summer grass."
I do like this image:
"Memories hold no umbrellas but shaded
under blackened branch"
It succinctly exemplifies, both how we perceive things when young, and also how we manipulate our memory for the desired outcome. Unfortunately some of your other images are not so artfully penned, and often border on the cliche. e.g. "on hot and beaded brow." At other times you include superfluous information, "saltless drops of rain". Do we need to be told that rain is saltless? In my reading of this all "saltless" did was cause me to search for connection to things that are salty, and no purpose was served. To try and define something by that which it is not, generally only confuses the image. If you were trying to play one condition off against another, there are better ways to accomplish this. Ways with which I know you are familiar, as I have seen you use them in other pieces successfully.
Towards the end this takes on a Prufrockian tone: "Each morning we eat oatmeal and peaches, drink orange juice
and coffee from white cups."
One begins to anticipate a conclusion regarding man's alienation from man, yet we are given only watered gruel and weak coffee:
"We never talk the way we used to do;
but I look lovingly on you and see things that I never saw before."
There are decent pieces in this pie, but it seems as though you lingered over it too long and the Muse deserted you, leaving you with the only options of taking refuge of drawing material from a Barbara Streisand movie or a Hallmark card.
With love,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.