Judas Iscariot at Beachy Head [edit 1]

[tectak]

Judas Iscariot at Beachy Head

When the chalk was quite done exploring
each little chapel of your lungs,
clawing at your skin and drawing
a rudimentary alphabet against your shattered cheeks,
and the briny wind had given you a good sniff,
like a starved rottweiler
ravenous for a lump of fetid lamb
to take away the growls of sin and stomach,
the kind sea rushed to
embrace you - her lips and fingers in your matted hair -
and then, one big lift,
and off you drift - - -Not to over inflate my joy at this stanza, I will need to force a crit. You KNOW that this is good stuff but I feel that it is pouring on to the paper in an uninterrupted stream. I can appreciate the wish to get words out before they sublimate but I find that pinning them on to the page with appropriate punctuation rather than conjunctions help. So I would end L4 with a period and drop the L5 "and". Similarly, L8. End with a period after "stomach". The rest is of this stanza is pure magic. Not sure about the - - - as I have no idea what you hope it means

An elegy for you, O friend:Not conventional. O this and O that, On balance I feel it is out of place...or plaice.
O one that lies
full fathom five
with pearls for eyes - - -

And no trace - no trace -
of life's ignoble strife.
And your final lines
of white and red
set in the chalk
at Beachy Head - - -

No trace, no trace.

Readable out loud-able more than readable in head-able. The andand-ness is better suited to the orator than the reader...as is most of this piece. Nothing wrong with that but I like intentional intent as much as I hate unintended obscurity. I cannot decide how you want this last stanza to be read but am not sure it matters. Great piece of work. Thank you.
Best,
tectak