a grave robbery.

[Todd]

Hi LittleOwl,

I read new poets to the site always hoping I'll find something I like. This I like. Here are some comments for you:


It feels small town crime scene to me. I love the mood. I like the subtle rhyme, and the fingerprints/fingernails sounds.

She finds herself next to him on a bed of white,--I like the contrast of the white with the later dirt. We get a sense of innocence juxtaposed with corruption. I'm not a big fan of She finds herself. It feels a bit passive and undirected. She wakes/she lies something a bit tighter. In a short piece you can afford less meandering. Just thoughts
wearing his fingerprints--love this line. The indelible marks that no one can see. It also makes it feel forensic and criminal.
and listening to him breathe.--wonderful. It might be an option to go into the exact sound of his breath. I love where this goes but you have an opportunity to go more sensory.
He has dirt under his fingernails tonight,--nice rhyme. Tonight gives the line an ominous sense
soil fresh and pungent as--I'm not fond of the line break. The modifiers are well chosen though. I wonder if you need the as at all.
he rakes the mess clean with her silence.--It might be too much but I'd consider breaking the line on her leaving one line of white space and having "silence" be the final line. Something to consider. I think breaking on her would give a sense of joint complicity.



My first post here, so keep that in mind when you rip it apart. Also, I meant for the word 'grave' in the title to have double meaning (although I'm not particularly attached to it as a whole).

I really enjoyed this. I hope some of this is helpful. Forgive me if I went overboard in Mild. I just really enjoyed the piece.

Welcome to the site!

Best,

Todd