09-05-2013, 09:45 AM
Hi inoae,
I don't think you need the offensive language warning. Wasn't offensive to me.
I like what unfolds here in this poem, but it is very wordy and has some issues with redundancy. Too many and's too.
I've made some changes to the first part of your poem below. This is in no way meant as me taking over your poem and rewriting it, it's just to illustrate how I feel that the poem might get stronger, if you take out some of the superfluous words.
I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
a cigarette burns between your fingers,
a brand you don't like or dislike.
You're smiling,
I wonder why, but I can't speak.
My skin begins to crack and shatter,
revealing old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
The walls close in,
pushing us closer and closer together.
It's your poem and this is JMHO of course. I hope it's of any help.
Best,
LB
I don't think you need the offensive language warning. Wasn't offensive to me.
I like what unfolds here in this poem, but it is very wordy and has some issues with redundancy. Too many and's too.
I've made some changes to the first part of your poem below. This is in no way meant as me taking over your poem and rewriting it, it's just to illustrate how I feel that the poem might get stronger, if you take out some of the superfluous words.
I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
a cigarette burns between your fingers,
a brand you don't like or dislike.
You're smiling,
I wonder why, but I can't speak.
My skin begins to crack and shatter,
revealing old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
The walls close in,
pushing us closer and closer together.
It's your poem and this is JMHO of course. I hope it's of any help.
Best,
LB