09-05-2013, 05:32 AM
One pitfall I see a lot of aspiring modern poets fall prey to is an emphasis on intriguing wordplay that ultimately lacks cohesion. Like rowens, I enjoyed aspects of your imagery, and I think you could easily tease out several different poems that expound on certain lines. But honestly, I see a jumble of fragmented ideas rather than a polished poem. My advice would be to work on continuity and deliberate, purposeful line construction. One meaningful stanza is better than three aimless ones. Try building on the elements of this piece you like the most.
Also, just to nitpick: your last line does you a great disservice. You're obviously a capable writer, so "Sadness grips me to the core" is so beneath you it drags the rest of your poem kicking and screaming down with it. You have the ability to write something captivating, so just work on your focus.
Also, just to nitpick: your last line does you a great disservice. You're obviously a capable writer, so "Sadness grips me to the core" is so beneath you it drags the rest of your poem kicking and screaming down with it. You have the ability to write something captivating, so just work on your focus.