Judas Iscariot at Beachy Head [edit 1]

[milo]

Hello Eileen. First, let me say, this was a pleasure to read. The sonics are spectacular as is the well drawn metaphor. It literally is just a pleasure to read, over and over again.

Judas Iscariot at Beachy Head

When the chalk was quite done exploring
each little chapel of your lungs,

"chapel of your lungs" is fantastic! I would eliminate "little" it adds nothing but distraction from what is a superb construction. Eliminate "quite" while you are in there with your eraser.

clawing at your skin and drawing
a rudimentary alphabet against your shattered cheeks,

I don't know that you draw "against". Also, I don't think you need "at". The "ands" are piling up as well, you could end stop "cheeks" and start the next line with "After" to good effect.

and the briny wind had given you a good sniff,
like a starved rottweiler
ravenous for a lump of fetid lamb

"starved" and "ravenous" are too much. I would eliminate "starved". "fetid" makes a suggestion about what /type/ of lamb starved dogs like as opposed to describing the lamb so, being inaccurate, it must go as well.

to take away the growls of sin and stomach,

"take away" might be a little weak here.

the kind sea rushed to
embrace you - her lips and fingers in your matted hair -
and then, one big lift,
and off you drift - - -

don't need "kind", "in" could most likely be improved on, don't need "her" or the first "and"

An elegy for you, O friend:
O one that lies
full fathom five
with pearls for eyes - - -

The Apostrophe (O's) seems to work here, but I can't help to think it would work fine without as well, i would strongly suggest trying it without.

And no trace - no trace -
of life's ignoble strife.
And your final lines
of white and red
set in the chalk
at Beachy Head - - -

No trace, no trace.

"ignoble" seems superfluous.

Overall, an enjoyable read, I look forward to the revisions.