09-05-2013, 04:13 AM
Amazing advice, can't thank you enough! All of your suggestions touched on specific issues I'd been having with the piece myself. I usually pick and choose the advice I incorporate, but you were spot-on. I'm still a little up in the air on punctuation; hopefully I can get some feedback on the edited version.
Quote: Revision:
Next to him on a bed of white,
cloaked in his fingerprints
listening to him breathe.
He has dirt under his fingernails tonight,
soil fresh and pungent as
he rakes the mess clean with her silence.