Missing Woman

[EileenGreay]

version 4 (final?)

I can't hear your music while I drive my car,
no Bach or ballads, only metal drone. Perhaps replace the comma in this line with a semicolon? It would heighten the sense of detachment between music and metal droning.
Fresh pine scents are memories of yesterday;
your bears, that dwelt upon my dash, are gone. I feel that the commas in this line are unnecessary.

I don’t hear the rhythmic click of your high heels,
a majorette's march over wooden floors.
There’s no trace of makeup on my clean lapels;
no stray blonde hair is hidden on my suit. Not so sure about this line - something 'on' a surface doesn't tend to be hidden, unless you're suggesting it would blend in with pinstripes or something. The image of a dangling hair or loose thread is a powerful and beautiful evocation of mortality, so keep that image, but maybe rethink 'hidden on'.

I remember every silly wrestling match
for absolute control of the remote;
then there was the great bedcovers tug-of-war,
with you triumphant in a sea of sheets. My favourite line so far.

Your nylon stocking garlands have all vanished;
a mildewed shower curtain still remains.
Your sweet songs no longer come through steamy sprays
and floor tiles long to touch your lingerie. I love the third line of this stanza, but the final line seems a touch bathetic. The third line conjures an image only to reject it ('no longer'), a device which I think works superbly - perhaps try repeating this rejection of the image in the final line? Just a suggestion!

I have yearned, then prayed, and now dream I might
just watch you shave your legs one final time.
Now my mirror’s dim, its silver's oxidized;
I'll never see you dance in there again.

On this day each month I buy lavendar mums
remembering them clasped against your breast I assume there's meant to be a bit of punctuation here?
Do you smell them, darling, when I visit you
and feel my hand bleed warmth into your stone?

I very much like this, Chris. Congratulations on a beautiful poem. My suggestions are merely my own opinion, and I hope that you do not find them impertinent!