09-04-2013, 04:21 PM
Hi Little owl,
Welcome to the site and it is great to see you have already been leaving feedback elsewhere.
I thought this was an excellent little snap shot and you have managed to pack a lot of meaning into a short piece. I appreciate the layers of meaning that i found in your poem. Overall a nice write.
There are a couple of lines that are perhaps a bit wordy and could be shortened.
I will offer some thoughts. Remember the feedback is always just opinions and this remains your poem.
She finds herself next to him on a bed of white, Great line that co-joined with title & rest of the poem brings to mind a lined coffin. But I think that you could start the line at Next and lose "she finds herself". Especially so in light of the message of the last line, where there is the image of him sexually using her is pushed home. "Finds herself" to me suggests a aspect of willing compliance. (your close of "her silence" speaks of being used as does "wearing his finger prints" - these seem to be to be at variance with each other.... intended ambiguity? Not sure it is working)
wearing his fingerprints
and listening to him breathe. "and" can also be removed.
He has dirt under his fingernails tonight,
soil fresh and pungent as I like the starkness of the description of his state, that reinforces her condition and situation of being burried under him. It also brings to mind a recolection of nature and so her lack of freedom is emphasised.
he rakes the mess clean with her silence. Nice, solid close. I like this line very much
I enjoyed your poem look forward to reading some more of your work and any edits you might chose to do on this one.
Thanks for the read AJ.
Welcome to the site and it is great to see you have already been leaving feedback elsewhere.
I thought this was an excellent little snap shot and you have managed to pack a lot of meaning into a short piece. I appreciate the layers of meaning that i found in your poem. Overall a nice write.
There are a couple of lines that are perhaps a bit wordy and could be shortened.
I will offer some thoughts. Remember the feedback is always just opinions and this remains your poem.
She finds herself next to him on a bed of white, Great line that co-joined with title & rest of the poem brings to mind a lined coffin. But I think that you could start the line at Next and lose "she finds herself". Especially so in light of the message of the last line, where there is the image of him sexually using her is pushed home. "Finds herself" to me suggests a aspect of willing compliance. (your close of "her silence" speaks of being used as does "wearing his finger prints" - these seem to be to be at variance with each other.... intended ambiguity? Not sure it is working)
wearing his fingerprints
and listening to him breathe. "and" can also be removed.
He has dirt under his fingernails tonight,
soil fresh and pungent as I like the starkness of the description of his state, that reinforces her condition and situation of being burried under him. It also brings to mind a recolection of nature and so her lack of freedom is emphasised.
he rakes the mess clean with her silence. Nice, solid close. I like this line very much
I enjoyed your poem look forward to reading some more of your work and any edits you might chose to do on this one.
Thanks for the read AJ.