When Pyrocumulus Last In the Western Lands Bloomed

[milo]

This late summer evening
as I listen to the cricket's

"cree cree
cree cree
cree cree"

I don't think quoting the crickets adds anything at all here. Also, you don't need either "This, or "as"

I imagine myself with cricket legs
and what a glorious noise
I could make if I rubbed them together
as I lie on my back in farmhouse shadows.

I see someone mentioned the tenses throughout the piece, so I am not going to mention them again, but I would like to say, I see this poem as stronger in the past tense. (Also, easier to resolve).

If no one has ever given you the advice to try to strip as many pronouns out of poetry as you can, I am going to give it to you now. If someone already did, you might consider the negative effect all the pronouns you have added has on the enjoyment of this poem.

I would consider switching to active voice "glorious noise I make when I rub . . ."

Maybe after a while
a beautiful woman
who also had
cricket legs
would be attracted
and join me on the lawn.

I see you are using a random number generator to help you with your line breaks so I will try not to mention them again. This section could be rewritten much stronger just by stripping the waffling and excess verbiage.

Together,
the volume of the
glorious noise
would double,
and we would be happy
and she would
smile easily.

This strophe could be eliminated with the pertinent points worked into the previous one (after you re-write that one to be more direct of course).

Our racket might very well disturb
the people for several acres around,
and cause them
to gather up guns
and dogs to hunt us down
in order to silence us, but as they neared
we would SPRING INTO ACTION!

I wasn't going to mention the line breaks again, but I am going back on my word. Also, all the waffling - why?

get up on our cricket legs,
and bound away into perhaps
a large field of tall, green, corn
where we would lie, keeping
our legs spread apart
for the sake of silence,

You sprung into action, you won't need to cumbersomely /get up/ now (eliminate that). Get rid of perhaps and large.

and, while prone that way,
we would quietly giggle
as I climbed on top of her
and we proceeded
to have sex,

what is the difference between proceeding to have sex and just having sex?

while the people
urged their dogs to sniff
us out, but the dogs
wouldn't really want to find us
because they'd consider us
too weird and creepy to behold, while

I would say you don't need "the" people, but reconsidering you most likely don't need half the words in this strophe. The truth is, I don't think this strophe adds anything at all.

to the north
and south
of us, in these western lands,
pieces of the sun unwound
from the forests,
and pyrocumulus bloomed.

overall, I like the story and you use a lot of strong images and narrative technique. It would be worth a read just for the fantastic statement "pyrocumulous bloomed" but it needs several serious, well thought out rewrites with attention to stripping superfluous wording, correcting the line breaks, and fixing the tenses.

Thanks for posting.

Good luck with it.