09-04-2013, 09:52 AM
I think this is really cool. Enjoyed it a lot. I don't have much to offer in the way of critique, other than a few words I would be looking at with a critical eye if this were mine, such as:
He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
*"like some" I would look at.
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)
He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
*'slurped' instead of "slurping. I try to avoid 'ing' endings as much as possible. To my ear avoiding them gives words more immediate sounds.
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
*'left' instead of "leaving" (?)
like a Dandelion in July.
He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
"through his mouth" I would look at/listen to.
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.
*Lots of gerunds above. Would do something about that.
The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
*I don't care for how "got" sounds there.
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.
*Great write. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Dan
He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
*"like some" I would look at.
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)
He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
*'slurped' instead of "slurping. I try to avoid 'ing' endings as much as possible. To my ear avoiding them gives words more immediate sounds.
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
*'left' instead of "leaving" (?)
like a Dandelion in July.
He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
"through his mouth" I would look at/listen to.
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.
*Lots of gerunds above. Would do something about that.
The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
*I don't care for how "got" sounds there.
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.
*Great write. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Dan