Weathervane

[milo]

Hello there.

I like the rhyme scheme, I am not as enamored with the archaic language. I see you were modelling after Hardy and I am aware he used some archaisms, I just don't think they work as well in modern poetry with the exception of satire.

Weathervane

In sudden twilight tempest, snared in wind and wet,
I sought the nearest shelter phantomed by the storm —
Nothing but a ghostly barn,
Fraying like a snip of yarn.

I think "A" would work better than "In"
"phantomed" has an indefinite antecedent. While I suppose it doesn't make that much of a difference, resolving it detracted from my read the first three times. You end on a fragment. /What/ is "Nothing but . . etc"

So unrehearsed as I in gale and rain's duet,
I haply blundered through the melody's torrential swarm
Until I reached the barn entombed
Upon the rainscape like a womb.

The first line is an inversion. It would most likely have passed in Hardy's time except, you used "as" which cries out for a comparative. IOW /What/ is as unrehearsed as N in gale? "Haply" is not just a dreadful archaism, but I think you are using it wrong, it means "by chance or happenstance" as far as I know. "barn entombed"? This is a strange image that offers no clues for reconciliation. Entombed in what? If it is within the rainscape you need to switch to within, upon literally means up on. Also, it should be "a barn . . ." not "the barn" as you reader has not yet been introduced to this magnificent entombed barn.

The drizzly chorus droned outside; a silhouette
Of rafters overhead bowed refrains deformed

I cannot parse this into English. The problem occurs around "bowed refrains deformed" You are also missing a soft syllable in front of "bowed" (unless you are using the archaic pronunciation, but I certainly saw no evidence of that.

And wrought my heart a weathervane —
Oddly dry despite the rain.

The way this reads is that rafters somehow wrought a weathervane for your heart? This is strange indeed.

NOTE: This is inspired by Thomas Hardy's writing style. He "invents" his own words, so I tried that here, too. I also tried using a definite rhyme scheme and meter. Thank you for reading and critiquing!

overall, your meter is pretty good, your rhymes are good, you are using imagery and narrative and that is enjoyable as well.

The biggest problems are created by you chaining yourself to a sometimes used/sometimes not archaic diction, inversions and some clarity problems created, most lkely by twisting your syntax to fit your meter/rhymes.

I am certain you can craft this into an interesting little saga with a few rewrites focused on clarity and modern diction.

Good luck.

Thanks for posting.

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(just noticed this was in novice. Disregard what you think may be above your current skill level)