When Pyrocumulus Last In the Western Lands Bloomed

[Erthona]

An interesting and fun little idyll. The tense changes make this piece problematic at the moment (see below). Correcting those would bring the readability up to an adequate level.

On the content side, I found your use of " pyrocumulus blooms" confusing in that I was unsure of your intent. Did you mean to imply volcanic activity or nuclear destruction, as mushroom clouds are said to bloom? It's a nice image, but maybe some supporting description would be beneficial.

All in all a very original poem, but at the moment obfuscated by the grammar problems.

Dale
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This late summer evening
as I listen to the cricket's

"cree cree
cree cree
cree cree"

I imagine myself with cricket legs
and what a glorious noise
I could make if I rubbed them together
as I lie on my back in farmhouse shadows. (tense change)

Maybe after a while
a beautiful woman
who also had (tense)
cricket legs
would be attracted
and join me on the lawn.

Together,
the volume of the ("the" needs dropping)
glorious noise
would double,
and we would be happy (drop the first "and")
and she would
smile easily.

Our racket might very well disturb
the people for several acres around, (drop "the")
and cause them
to gather up guns
and dogs to hunt us down
in order to silence us, but as they neared
we would SPRING INTO ACTION!

get up on our cricket legs,
and bound away into perhaps (Stylistic, I think I would drop the "perhaps")
a large field of tall, green, corn
where we would lie, keeping
our legs spread apart
for the sake of silence,

and, while prone that way, ("that way" is probably not needed)
we would quietly giggle
as I climbed on top of her
and we proceeded
to have sex,

while the people
urged their dogs to sniff
us out, but the dogs (awkward phrasing, "while..."but")
wouldn't really want to find us
because they'd consider us
too wierd and creepy to behold, while ("weird" misspelled)

to the north
and south
of us, in these western lands,
pieces of the sun unwound (tense-unwind)
from the forests,
and pyrocumulus bloomed. (tense-bloom)