09-03-2013, 03:18 AM
Hi there;
good stuff going on in your attempt. Personally, I like to see sonnets written in iambic or trochaic pentameter in the Shakespearean abab form, with the concluding couplet. Even in your revision, I still see an irregular beat. And, I may be wrong, but even writers of contemporary sonnets would, generally, place the beat or accent on strong syllables.
Interesting that you have based this sonnet on personal experience. That's always helpful in writing a poem, rather than inventing a "desk-poem."
Take care, J.
good stuff going on in your attempt. Personally, I like to see sonnets written in iambic or trochaic pentameter in the Shakespearean abab form, with the concluding couplet. Even in your revision, I still see an irregular beat. And, I may be wrong, but even writers of contemporary sonnets would, generally, place the beat or accent on strong syllables.
Interesting that you have based this sonnet on personal experience. That's always helpful in writing a poem, rather than inventing a "desk-poem."
Take care, J.