Tin Woodman

[milo]

I like the concept here, but I feel there are definitley places you could tighten it up.

His heart wasn't a quick fix
every tear turned him closer to rust.

starting here. I think what you want to say is "having a heart" or "getting a heart" or "receiving a heart". What is "quick fix" supposed to mean? Tears turning him into rust is inefficient. How about every tear rusts him, or better yes, something like "every tears rusts tracks along his cheeks" or something like that.

My mom had cast a spell on him,

don't need "had"

for her he chopped off his legs
his arms
his head
and split his torso in two.

this is inverted syntax, "for her" should go at the end of the statement.

He said "you're too skinny, and your face is like paper,
you look like you're dead
and I think you scare people,
because you look them in the eye and you don't smile."

this whole section is awkward and wordy. Maybe something like:

"You are too skinny," he said,
"your face is like paper,
you look like you're dead
and you scare people because you don't smile
when you look them in the eye"

or something along those lines. Also, I think the issue of address should be handled, it is confusing who he is speaking to here.

I said "at least I still have my self,
you're like an etch-a-sketch, always shaking yourself up
and starting over."
But the point was lost on him,
there was nothing for it to sink into.

same here, this dialogue should be smoothed over

Then one day, he lost his oil can and froze for a year,

don't need "then"

and when he was free, he threw away his job, his family, his savings

drop "and" capitalize "When" also, it seems un likely that the frozen head of a tin man still had a job, family and marriage after a year, but I guess no point in pointing that out.

and went to Missouri to find a new heart.



I could have told him it was a mistake.
He should rip it out
he should have stayed frozen.
What good is a heart
when you don't know what to do with it?

maybe "he should rip it out
or just stay frozen"

I like the concept.

Good luck with the revisions.