Latency (edit 1)

[btrudo]

This has nice music but I can't help but feel that the alliteration is a little overbearing. I read it as "Thunder deCLARES the CALM as a CROWN..." The alliteration with "wears" "world" and "welled" is a little bit better but it's still much. The rest of the alliteration is a little bit more subtle but it gets annoying again in the third sentence.

This is meant to be highly alliterative, though I appreciate your take of what sounds better to your ear.

thanks,
Bill

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I liked the alliterations, actually, it reads like a mad man reciting a poem in the face of a storm. In fact, I'd rather see them even more condensed, not watered down by the whole 'the's', and 'they's' and other pronouns.

Some of the articles are probably placeholders right now until I find an apt word. Though I might try striping it some down, and seeing if I can still keep repetition of some rhythmic sections.

thanks,
Bill

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I enjoyed reading this piece. Found the alliteration fun. A few suggestions that came to mind...

To replace 'declares' with 'claims'. I think it would help with the meter.

What about personifying Thunder as either male or female? So it can be 'he strikes the street' or 'she strikes the street'. I think it would add to the piece.

Might suggest deleting the 'and' inbetween the leaves & the grass... "He strikes the street, the leaves, the grass, the green which gathers..." another suggestion for the sake of meter.

I think our third sentence is my least favorite and would need the most attention where meter is concerned. But, I love 'where heavens heave'. Nice alliteration, rhyme and creativity in those words.

Great work and thanks for the read!

I am keeping count on the stresses and moving around the unstressed/stressed patterns. I had a bad word which definitely confused the pulse of the first sentence.

Thanks,
Bill