09-03-2013, 12:21 AM
I enjoyed reading this piece. Found the alliteration fun. A few suggestions that came to mind...
To replace 'declares' with 'claims'. I think it would help with the meter.
What about personifying Thunder as either male or female? So it can be 'he strikes the street' or 'she strikes the street'. I think it would add to the piece.
Might suggest deleting the 'and' inbetween the leaves & the grass... "He strikes the street, the leaves, the grass, the green which gathers..." another suggestion for the sake of meter.
I think our third sentence is my least favorite and would need the most attention where meter is concerned. But, I love 'where heavens heave'. Nice alliteration, rhyme and creativity in those words.
Great work and thanks for the read!
To replace 'declares' with 'claims'. I think it would help with the meter.
What about personifying Thunder as either male or female? So it can be 'he strikes the street' or 'she strikes the street'. I think it would add to the piece.
Might suggest deleting the 'and' inbetween the leaves & the grass... "He strikes the street, the leaves, the grass, the green which gathers..." another suggestion for the sake of meter.
I think our third sentence is my least favorite and would need the most attention where meter is concerned. But, I love 'where heavens heave'. Nice alliteration, rhyme and creativity in those words.
Great work and thanks for the read!