09-02-2013, 01:41 PM
hi,
I really enjoyed this, its visceral imagery, made me think of pagan sacrifices, and also the use of sounds that you have here: it's sort of hissing at you, if you read it aloud, which of course bring back the biblical image of the serpent in the apple tree of good and evil. Well done, overall, but if i were to nit pick, i feel you sometimes go astray of the equipoise you achieve with that first stanza:
Charcoal branches
bear no fruit, only
echoes.
I would consider editing carefully the rest of your stanzas to make sure that everything that's there really needs to be there to make it more poignant.
I really enjoyed this, its visceral imagery, made me think of pagan sacrifices, and also the use of sounds that you have here: it's sort of hissing at you, if you read it aloud, which of course bring back the biblical image of the serpent in the apple tree of good and evil. Well done, overall, but if i were to nit pick, i feel you sometimes go astray of the equipoise you achieve with that first stanza:
Charcoal branches
bear no fruit, only
echoes.
I would consider editing carefully the rest of your stanzas to make sure that everything that's there really needs to be there to make it more poignant.