09-02-2013, 01:35 PM
Hi,
I like the the paired alliterations -- been-even, soar-sore -- but the general flow of the poem to me seemed awkward, not sure if the awkward use of punctuation is the reason, but also the metric structure -- you build it up in the first line, drop it completely in the second, and are unable to pick it up with the third drum roll of syllables, leaving the last line to fall completely flat.
I like the the paired alliterations -- been-even, soar-sore -- but the general flow of the poem to me seemed awkward, not sure if the awkward use of punctuation is the reason, but also the metric structure -- you build it up in the first line, drop it completely in the second, and are unable to pick it up with the third drum roll of syllables, leaving the last line to fall completely flat.