"First Dawn Glances"

[cidermaid]

Hi CMC, I've looked through both your original and the edit and I think that in some lines you have detracted from the original and in some you have improved. I'll leave my thoughts for your consideration below.

"First Morning Glances" (first morning edit)
At night I lay down with closed eyes, I think you have really lost something on the opening line here. It is now a flat statement of the obvious to my mind. (Of course i close my eyes at night), whereas your previous opening drew me into the idea of dreams and the whole imagery of what i could have been / what I would like to be
till daybreak brings a bright new birth. Again the day break / new birth thing is a bit tired
The sun climbs its way to noon sky, Can you find a more exciting word than climbs. (same old same old). Try and give the action a bit more emotion and imagery to describe how this makes you feel. Creeps. crawls, leaps etc
as sprouts shoot up from sunlit earth. I like this image and the illteration of the S sounds.

Night’s dark veil faded out the window, Nice
leaving all it held in morning blue.
I hear the song of the precious sparrow,
as I step out into morning dew. This whole stanza has been improved over the original.

Sunlight shines through the leafy branches, Again improved and like the rpt of alliteration on S sounds.
calling all the small critters to rise. Not convinced about this line. Does the sun call or draw? ...drawn to greet the dawn
So when I take my first morning glances,
I can find new day and a new life.

Sorry gtg will try and come back to finish in a bit. AJ