09-01-2013, 08:40 AM
(08-31-2013, 11:58 PM)C.M.C. Wrote: At night I contemplate past lives,Hi C.M.C.
with dawn comes a new day and a new birth. "a new day" feels redundant, cause the new day is implied with "dawn".
The sun climbs it’s way to noon sky, Typo: its
As sprouts grow up from sunlit earth. Should it be "as"?
Night retreated through the window,
leaving what it held in morning blue.
Now hear the songs of the sparrow. I'm not sure you need "Now". Though it interrupts the flow if it's removed. Maybe a comma instead of a period?
Step out into the morning dew.
Through the treetops sunlight dances, This line sounds awkward for the sake of the rhyme.
calling all the chipmunks and squirrels to rise. Feels a bit wordy. Maybe remove "all the". I think it also makes it read better.
As I take my first dawn glances,
I can find a new day, and a new life. Maybe remove "and"? Again, I feel it reads better that way.
I like this idea for a shorter poem with rhymes. Some of the rhymes though, didn't work for me. "lives" and "sky" doesn't rhyme in my ear. I'm not sure "window" and "sparrow" rhymes either.
I've left some thoughts for you to consider. JMHO of course. I look forward to read an edit of this, should you decide to work further with the poem.
Best,
LB

