08-30-2013, 04:16 PM
I (mostly) agree with Billy. A good read, and some strong images and themes that build on the cultural references nicely.
I think you could make a case for keeping "My mom": the flow is better without, but the "My" removes a potential ambiguity (your mom, his mom?). OK, from the rest of the piece context can be inferred, so ... could call it either way.
Stanza's 3 & 4 come a little out of nowhere. They have strength, but we've gone from Tin Man & mom to Tin Man and narrator with no movement. It threw me on first read; he loves her so much he changes completely, then hurls vicious criticism at her ... no, wait, it's a different person, aaahh.
I'm half surprised Billy didn't bang on about cliché
as there are quite a few in there, but nicely executed so they don't actually spoil the overall piece.
I think you could make a case for keeping "My mom": the flow is better without, but the "My" removes a potential ambiguity (your mom, his mom?). OK, from the rest of the piece context can be inferred, so ... could call it either way.
Stanza's 3 & 4 come a little out of nowhere. They have strength, but we've gone from Tin Man & mom to Tin Man and narrator with no movement. It threw me on first read; he loves her so much he changes completely, then hurls vicious criticism at her ... no, wait, it's a different person, aaahh.
I'm half surprised Billy didn't bang on about cliché
as there are quite a few in there, but nicely executed so they don't actually spoil the overall piece.